Anger is not a dirty word.

Anger. It feels like a dirty word; a less-than socially acceptable state of being. It is much easier for many of us to readily identify with emotions such as happiness, joy, and peace. Even sadness feels easier for many of us to claim; when bad things happen in our lives, feelings of sadness become something that motivate us to seek out support and can be a sort of “glue” which forges bonds between people who experience adversity together. As human beings are social animals, we are biologically driven by a herd mentality to seek belonging with one another for safety and survival. Anger can feel threatening to this herd mentality as it seems to separate instead of bind us with others. However, while other emotions such as happiness, joy and love seem more conducive to connection with others and to belonging and safety, if we dig a little deeper, we can find that anger can actually forge deeper relationships if harnessed in a healthy manner and if we use it appropriately as a guide for boundary-making.

Over the years, I have observed that many folks are not comfortable with being or feeling angry. Anger is a prickly emotion to lean into, and this is why many people push it away instinctively before examining it closer. Another reason many of us push it away is because we are robbed of our anger as children, and were taught by grownups that feeling angry was unacceptable, rude, mean, impolite, inconvenient, unbecoming or unattractive. When we are disconnected from our anger, we are disconnected from the root of the pain and from our boundaries. If we cannot reach the root of the pain, we cannot apply the salve and the medicine we need to heal it. If you were not allowed to feel angry as a child, then feeling it as an adult can be a very uncomfortable, distressing and even scary experience. But it needn’t be. Like all other emotions, anger is a temporary experience, as fleeting as joy, happiness and peace. But we tend to resist anger because it feels so uncomfortable, and therefore it tends to persist.

Anger is secondary emotion to one of two primary emotions: fear and hurt. Anger is a catalyst that can result in deeper, more authentic relationships because it is a great signaler that a boundary has been crossed or an essential need has not been met. This is why feeling anger is healthy: it is a sign your boundary-maker is working! By talking to others about what makes us angry, afraid or hurt, we give others the opportunity to learn more about our true selves and therefore have more authentic relationships with us.

Anger is a healthy emotion that gets a bad rap. Although we want to be careful about how we act upon our anger, allowing ourselves to experience it and acknowledge it is an opportunity to evaluate our needs and expectations of ourselves and others, and in that way, we can show up more authentically in our daily lives.