5 Tips On How to Deal with Breakup Grief
If you’ve found this blog article, it means you’ve most likely been through a recent breakup or loss of a relationship. Breakups can be extremely triggering, challenging, and painful, even if the parting was mutual AND even if we consciously recognize that no longer being in that relationship is in our highest good (yes, even though it can feel extremely painful and not at ALL like it’s currently in our highest good). Like any other big life event such as a death, a move, or a job change, breakups can trigger a grief reaction, and depending on our history with grief and loss, we tend to handle this grief in different ways. The thing is, our brain does NOT like separation from significant others; our attachment and bonds we form with our mates subconsciously remind us too closely of our bond with our earliest caregivers, and for this reason, the process of unattaching from someone can feel like we are losing our primary source of support, nurturing and connection (even though we ARE strong women who can do anything, make all the money, be the most successful and sure as heck not need ANYONE to pay our bills). So, below are some tips on how to deal with breakup grief:
Avoid “breakup amnesia”
As I mentioned earlier, breakups can feel extremely unsettling to our subconscious attachment system and so our brain will do anything to bring us back to a state of “safety” and equilibrium within our nervous system. Enter what I call “breakup amnesia” — a phenomenon I have observed that entails a very selective memory of all of the good things that our ex-partner did, and a tendency to brush the not-so-great-stuff-maybe-the-reason-why-we-broke-up-in-the-first-place under the rug. This selective memory just wants to regain a sense of safety, and it thinks that being with our mate will give us that. Again, your brain is just trying to survive and has evolved to keep you safe. The problem with selective memory is that we can easily disregard whether boundaries were crossed or the slew of needs that went unmet and resulted in the breakup in the first place. To counteract this phenomenon and remain grounded in a balanced perspective of the entire situation, it can be helpful to make a list of the pros AND the cons of the relationship (i.e. how did this partner let you down? What were some of their traits or behaviors that were not conducive to a healthy, compatible relationship with you?) In this way, we will at least keep a realistic view of what has transpired and can grieve the full picture, versus engaging in maladaptive coping skills of idealizing a situation that was not working for us or that we have no control over how it ended.
Access connection
Whenever we are grieving, having a support system is key. We are social animals, and we feel a sense of safety in numbers. Whether we are checking in with our loved ones by phone, email, text, FaceTime or any other modern advent of communication, checking in with others sends signals to our brain that we are safe (bonus points if you can access physical touch with loved ones or friends through a simple hug!).
Stay Active
If you’ve noticed, I’ve mentioned the concept of safety a couple of times. Whenever we experience an unsettling change in our lives, our nervous system, which spends so much of its time trying to conserve energy by sticking to the status quo, can feel pretty rocked and unstable, therefore we may experience symptoms of anxiety, sadness, anger and grief because our nervous system does not feel safe. It just so happens that any type of movement (i.e. walking, cardio, yoga, literally anything that gets your heart rate up) helps to regulate our nervous system and informs our brain, “We’ve outrun the threat. We are safe.” So whether it's a quick walk around the block or just dancing it out in your room, movement helps us move through grief and to feeling safe faster.
Grief is Non-Linear
This item is more of a reminder than an action: remember that there is no timeline for healing. It sucks, I know. You want to feel better NOW. You might even feel like you will always feel this way and that things won’t be the same again. Although it FEELS that way, feelings aren’t facts. If you can remember, looking into your past, when was the last time you thought you'd feel something forever? You probably can’t recall, and even if you do, you know the answer is that that emotion or situation eventually passed, and you were able to move through it. Grief can only move through us when we allow it to stay for as long as it needs to. I often work with clients on how to give themselves grace to experience whatever it is that is coming up for them as they move through the stages of grief, and back again. The greatest gift you can give yourself right now is the grace and permission to feel whatever it is you need to feel right now.
Prioritize Self-Care
The process of grieving and integrating the effects of change in our lives can feel exhausting; our brain is working overtime to process all the feelings and deal with a new routine and other changes brought about by a loss in our lives. Our brain does not like to expend energy and it expends a lot when we are grieving. It is very important that you are eating nourishing food, sleeping sufficiently, and not pushing your body or mind beyond its limits right now. Remember that your brain is an organ, and like any other organ in your body it requires proper rest and nourishment. Feed it good things, and spend time doing things you love and with people who show up for you.
I hope this was helpful. Whoever you are, you are stronger than you think. And remember: this too shall pass.