3 Ways In Which People-Pleasing Can Sabotage Relationships
What is people-pleasing?
One of the common ways in which we can often sabotage relationships is through people-pleasing. We often don’t even realize we are doing it; whether its agreeing to go on a vacation to our partner’s choice of tropical destination for the third time in a row (despite having secretly hoped for a quiet staycation instead); saying “yes” to a friend who needed a concert-buddy when we could actually think of a MILLION other things we would much rather do than to be in a sardine-packed stadium; or whether we change our preferences and values depending on which family members currently surround us (AKA a critical parent, perhaps?). Let’s face it. Some of us have learned to be really good at camouflaging and blending in; we go with the flow. There could be many reasons this happens: maybe we had to go with the flow in our earlier years in order to survive an angry or abusive parent, or to prevent ourselves from becoming a target of bullying at school. Whatever the case may be, saying “no” doesn’t feel like an option. In fact, the thought of saying “no” to someone asking you for something may even cause uncomfortable physiological symptoms to occur: maybe your palms begin to sweat, your cheeks begin to blush or your heart starts to race. If this is the case, chances are, you engage in people-pleasing. Why would this be an issue in relationships? Because as good a chameleon as you are, your brain is always listening.
Constant fight-or-flight
Every time we say “yes” when we really mean “no”, our brain is listening. Our nervous system (the mammalian nervous system that has developed over the course of 500 million years) is primed to keep us safe, not happy. And it does its job very well: whether we realize it or not, our body engages in a process called interoception, meaning it is constantly scanning for internal threats. Our brain doesn’t differentiate between a lion chasing us and a friend who is peer pressuring us to go to a concert with her; it is being triggered into feeling unsafe by your sweaty palms and racing heart. A threat is a threat. And if we are not feeling safe enough to say “no” in our relationships, then our body thinks we are under a state of attack in that moment and depending on the type of stress that results, for a longer period of time. Saying “yes” when we mean “no” can heighten our stress response, resulting in a constant feeling of “fight or flight” depending on the type of commitment we are making, resulting in increased likelihood that these relationships won’t be sustainable in the long run.
We don’t learn healthy conflict resolution
In the moment, people-pleasing seems like an easy way out of avoiding conflict. A simple “yes” can’t hurt, right? This however, can result in a vicious cycle in which we actually reinforce our fear of conflict, further increasing the chances that we will not engage in healthy communication skills that can be beneficial for us in the long run. When done well, conflict can increase emotional intimacy in relationships and increase awareness of how to meet our friend/partner’s needs. When we engage in conflict avoidance and people-pleasing, we are robbing ourselves and the other person of gaining more insight and understanding into the situation and how to actually address the issue, resulting in a higher likelihood that unaddressed issues will sabotage the relationship in the end.
Unexpressed emotion
As mentioned earlier, our brain is always listening, and saying “yes” constantly when we go against our needs or values often results in emotions such as guilt, resentment, shame and anger. These emotions are trying to tell us something; there is an issue in the relationship that needs to be looked at, otherwise we will continue to stew in these emotions the longer the problem continues. As the saying goes “what we resist, persists.” Repressed emotions have a way of showing up one way or another, and this can often sabotage relationships through passive-aggressive behaviors or disproportionate reactions to relatively minor situations if left unaddressed.
In Summary
People pleasing is often a behavior that is learned in childhood and can develop for a variety of reasons:
It is often a survival strategy that has taught us how to be a “chameleon” and blend in with others without rocking the boat or making waves, often at our own expense.
People-pleasing is a learned behavior that can have detrimental effects on our ability to show up fully in relationships: people-pleasing can keep us in a state of stress while we continue to betray our wants and needs; it prevents us from learning healthy ways of managing conflict; people-pleasing can result in repressed emotions that are conducive to connection and safety in relationships.
Learning new ways of being in relationships can be challenging, but with the right support (and thanks to neuroplasticity!) you can learn new ways of being that allows you to show up more fully in your every day life.