“Why Can’t I Get Over Him?” 3 Signs You Are Experiencing Breakup Grief

Experiencing a breakup can be extremely painful: in the best of cases, two people fall out of love with one another and simply wish each other the best in their separate journeys; in the worst of cases, there has been betrayal or even abuse that has led to the separation, resulting in other challenging emotions such as guilt or even trauma. In either case, we humans are social animals and forming attachments is hardwired into our biological drive so as to ensure our survival, and so conversely, when we longer have those attachments it can feel as though our very survival is threatened. Regardless of whether or not the relationship was a healthy one, the disruption of these strong bonds and attachments can still feel extremely painful, and for some, moving on from a breakup may feel as though it has taken a long time, sometimes longer than expected. This can be the result of getting “stuck” in one of the stages of breakup brief. The following are 3 signs that you may be experiencing breakup grief:

1. “What If” Thinking

   Although it can be tempting to think about the “what ifs” and the “could’ves” in our past relationships, this is unproductive and often a sign that we may be stuck in the bargaining stage of grief. Constantly thinking about how things could have been or should have been is a way of attempting to seek out a sense of control over the situation. However, this type of thinking can often result in self-blame, doubt, and rumination, a behavior that can contribute to depression and anxiety. Working with a mental health professional to reduce “what if” thinking and finding mindfulness-based strategies ways to gently redirect yourself back to the present moment can be helpful to move through the stage of bargaining in grief.

2. “All or Nothing” Thinking

   Also known as “black or white” thinking, this type of thinking can be a sign that you are stuck in the depression stage of breakup grief. While we all experience these types of thoughts, they can increase after a life event such as a breakup or divorce. “All or nothing” thinking means that we view the world in rigid extremes; things are either all good or they are all bad. The problem with this is that this is rarely true; a more reality-based statement would be to say that the things are often all kinds of shades of gray. “All or nothing” thinking comes up when we are anxious or sad, and is again a way of seeking to control our environment and feel like we are predicting what is going to happen, although not in the most helpful of ways. This type of thinking too, can result in depressed or anxious mood. Therapy modalities such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can be very helpful with addressing these types of thoughts and allowing you to move through the depression stage of grief.

3. Breakup Amnesia

   I have coined this term after observing that for many it is common to “forget” the reasons why the breakup occurred in the first place; this can look like reminiscing only on the good times in the relationship and conveniently omitting from our memory that there were also many aspects of the relationship that were likely not working well. Why can this be problematic for us? If we find ourselves reminiscing on only the good times we often end up over-idealizing our partner and undermining our own needs and the reasons why this situation did not work out. This can be a sign that we are in the denial stage of breakup grief, and balancing our memories with a more realistic view of what transpired can help move through denial and into healing.

Breakup grief is common, and experiencing all of the above happens to most who are struggling through detaching from a previous relationship. Through recognizing and being aware of the nature of our thoughts, can more easily through the different stages of breakup grief and forget a new path toward healing.

If you or someone you love is currently struggling with a mental health crisis as a result of breakup grief, you can contact the 24/7 National Crisis Line at 9-8-8.