Why Are We Attracted To Emotionally Unavailable People?
You may have been there — waiting to receive a text from someone who cancels plans last minute (yet again). Or maybe you have been in a relationship with someone who says all the right things in the heat of the moment, but things just feel…off. Maybe your partner has given you mixed messages or tends to engage in sabotaging behaviors like lashing out when things start to get serious. Disappointment strikes again and again, and yet, we find ourselves attracted to these mates more than ever. Many people often wonder why these types of relationships feel so sticky are so hard to get out of. There may often be a strong sense of self-doubt that you may be “overthinking” things or asking too much from your partner. Below are just some (of the many) reasons why we may are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners:
Attachment Wounds
Our caregivers are the “template” or schema through which we learn to relate to others in the world. According to attachment theory, the ways in which we are nurtured (and not nurtured) when we are infants can have long-term effects on how we perceive safety in the world as well. Like other mammals, we are highly dependent on our caregiver and are vulnerable to threats in our environment without their protection. If we experience an inconsistent or abusive caregiver, we learn ways to compensate for their inability to help us feel safe in the world: these ways of compensating can look like clinging onto others even harder for safety (anxious attachment), or the opposite, becoming hyperindependent in order to avoid the pain of abandonment that occurred earlier in our lives. If we find ourselves clinging to an emotionally unavailable person, it may be our way of compensating for feeling unsafe as we did in our earlier years.
Hormones
Do you remember when it was difficult to sleep or perhaps even stop thinking about that person when you first began dating? During the honeymoon phase of courtship, our brain tends to release a cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones that include but are not limited to: dopamine (the hormone that increases motivation, reward-seeking and pleasure), oxytocin (the bonding hormone, also released by mothers post-delivery to foster a strong bond with their infant) and cortisol (yes, our stress actually increases so that our senses sharpen so as to increase bonding our with our mate and therefore ensuring our survival). The rollercoaster ride that the combination of these hormones can create for our brain can literally feel addictive. Now, add in the highs and lows of an emotionally unavailable or inconsistent partner, and voila! You are addicted to the feeling of being in love.
The Sunk-Cost Fallacy
The sunk-cost fallacy is a term derived from the world of economics which refers to a phenomenon that occurs when we perceive that we have invested too much to cut our losses in any given situation, causing us to remain on course even thought it may be against our best interest. Take, for instance, a gambler at a casino: if the gambler has already invested $500 in a particular slot machine without sufficient reward, instead of deciding to cut their losses and leave, the gambler remains and continues to pull the lever over and while paradoxically sinking in deeper financially. Instead of cutting our losses when we see the signs that someone may be emotionally unavailable, we instead often opt to buckle down and win this person over or demonstrate our loyalty through commitment, etc etc. Due to the unpredictable nature of being with an emotionally unavailable partner, it may be difficult to leave the relationship due to the “work” we feel we have already invested and the possibility that at any moment the relationship could improve for the better.
There are biological, developmental and even economical factors and theories at play as to why we are attracted to emotionally unavailable people. While there are many more reasons why we are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, increasing our awareness of these and other factors is important in order to make decisions that are more in alignment with our wellbeing and our emotional health. With increased awareness, we can begin to understand how to move forward into more balanced and reciprocal relationships.