Why Do We Avoid?

Avoidance. It’s a word with a stickiness to it. We’ve all avoided something in our lives that was important to us. Perhaps you’ve avoided making a lifestyle change, despite a recommendation from your primary physician that it was in the best interest of your health. Maybe you’ve avoided having that difficult conversation with a friend, even though it looms in the back of your mind during that early A.M. spin class. Or maybe you’ve avoided leaning into that hobby that you just KNOW makes you so happy and fully present in a way that other, more “productive” activities in your life just don’t. And the longer you engage in avoidance, the more inertia accumulates until that thing you’ve been avoiding feels like its permanently stuck, just beyond arm’s reach.

So why do we avoid? The short answer is that our brain does not like risk. Avoidance is a defense mechanism: a way to protect ourselves from some seemingly threatening event or act. Like many other defense mechanisms, avoidance blows the dreaded event much out of proportion and highly overestimates the actual threat load of the activity or thing we continue to dance around like a heated game of hopscotch. Thousands of years ago, when we lived in caves and were vulnerable to attack from beasts with sharp teeth much larger than us, our defense mechanisms evolved specifically to protect us from a myriad of situations that could potentially kill us. Taking risks back in those days could cost you your life, which is why our “fight-or-flight” response does not discriminate when it comes to getting us out of sticky situations; anything you deem mentally or emotionally stressful becomes a saber toothed tiger. If risk meant possible death, then it makes sense that your nervous system would evolve to be risk-averse, since its primary job is to keep you alive (not keep you happy, unfortunately). In modern times, instead of avoiding bumping into a saber-toothed tiger, you avoid asking out that guy friend you have feelings for (because, to our nervous system, rejection can feel like a modern-day equivalent of a prehistoric monster).

Avoidance is also very commonly associated with the trait of perfectionism and fear of failure. Avoidance and perfectionism are like two buddied up mean girls; they love to torment you with reasons to not reach for your goals. You avoid risk in order to protect yourself from failure. After all, you can’t say you failed if you never even did the thing, right? The irony of this is that failure is an inevitable part of life and a necessary part of growth and learning. Avoiding something out of fear of failure is like being up to bat and denying that you're standing on a baseball field. You’re already in position, so you might as well swing. Because who knows? You might hit a home run.